Why?

I've been thinking lately about why I want to be thinner. Why do I not feel comfortable in my own body?
I go to an all girls school so I see teenagers of pretty much every size and shape. And while I'm pretty sure they all have those days where nothing looks right and they're insecure, surely they can't obsess over food as much I do? 600 girls, not every single one of them will feel guilty for days about eating out or feel the fat from the chocolate weighing on you.

So why me?
I know I'm not pretty in my face, not hideously ugly but not pretty. My teeth are disgusting, rabbit teeth which I hate.
I think that's why I worry so much about calorie intake. I can't control prettiness or my teeth, unless I have thousands of pounds for cosmetic surgery. But what I eat is something I can control and impose my own influence on. And thin is what first attracts people's attention.

Yeah, there are some beautiful curvy girls out there, but in a club,l the skinny ones get picked up first. Also, to be curvy (I'm thinking of someone like Kim Kardashian here) you've got to have the confidence to be able to carry that off. I would never have that. While I'm confident in my group of friends and family, outside of that I don't feel like I can talk up or say my mind.

I think it all comes down to a lack of self-esteem and confidence. I over think things and that just fuels the fire. For example, me and a couple of friends were organising to go to the cinema and then out to eat. I suggested a few films and times and texted them both. One of them then replied with "Me and so-and-so have decided to see this film at this time. Is that all right with you" And to me this read as "Me and so-and-so are going, you can tag along if you want to". As if, it didn't matter whether I could come to that or not. And yeah it was one of the times I'd suggested but it still seems like I was an after thought.

These are my best friends and they've never given me any reason to think they don't like me, but I kept analysing it over and over until I just couldn't go! I was so worried that I'd be irritating to them that I couldn't bear that thought, coupled with the idea of a meal out and possibly even cinema popcorn! I couldn't do it, so I chickened out and took the easy way out. Instead, I sat at home watching crappy Christmas t.v with my parents, trying not to cry.

I hate this. I just want to be secure in myself. I think, once I'm thin, I'll be able to do this.

First Post

This blog is to be a diary of sorts. A way for me to keep track of what I'm eating, how many pounds I lose or put on. The reason why I'm doing it on the internet and not the old fashioned, pen and paper method is that I can be completely anonymous on here, without worry that friends or family will find it; even if they do, they wont be able to know it's me. While I appreciate it is on the public domain, this is not really meant for a wide audience, it is definitely a personal thing. While I don't mind other people who wish to loose weight and need help with motivation, I expect this to be something that the majority will stumble upon in their wanderings of the interwebs.
So yeah, this is a way to remind myself that I can do this, at the same time as being cathartic as talking through problems.
Stats:
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 7st 12lb
BMI: 19.5 (Dependent on which calculator you use)
Fat: 20.2%
So yeah. Pretty disgusting, really isn't it? That's why I'm trying really hard to get the weight off, and tone up a bit. Hopefully it'll be easier once I go back to school after the Christmas holidays and my parents wont be hovering. Also, it's exam time and stress is a great excuse for a reason not to eat a whole lot of dinner!
If anyone else wants to get thin for the new year, I wish you luck too!
Just know, that we can and will succeed in getting thin!